The Heartbreaks of History: From Henry VIII to Oscar Wilde, At Least We Don’t Have It So Bad Today, Right?

 

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Some breakups are so bad, they make history. So, in the spirit of poor life choices, cue the wine, 'All by Myself,' and this week’s dive into history’s worst breakups. A real Bridget Jones experience awaits…

Think your breakup was bad? Well, history can undoubtedly show you some examples to make you feel better. From King Henry VIII and his many wives, to Oscar Wilde, this week we will examine the breakups of some of history’s most prominent figures to assert that maybe we don’t have it so bad after all.

 

The OG Red Flag

While my breakup wasn’t as publicly humiliating as Henry VIII’s six wives, there’s still something timeless about realising someone never loved you the way you loved them… As the song goes: 'Divorced, Beheaded, Died, Divorced, Beheaded, Survived.' Henry VIII was the original 'boyfriend from hell'—if your ex had power, money, and a tendency to execute his partners. Despite the number of wives he collected throughout his lifetime, Henry VIII barely recovered from each relationship. Unlike his poor next victims, I mean wives, I have the ‘benefit’ of having work to throw myself into. Henry dumped Catherine of Aragon in 1533, leaving her under house arrest. He then married Anne Boleyn—who lasted a whopping three years before Henry decided execution was a better breakup strategy. Poor Jane Seymor, after giving him a son, died in 1537. To give Henry some credit, after seemingly finding Mrs Right, he did take a little break to grieve, waiting 3 years to remarry to Anne of Cleves – who he married for less than a year. Catherine Howard was next and didn’t have much more success, being executed after two years of marriage. Catherine Parr was the only wife to escape unscathed, and that was only because she outlived him. I mean, you could say Henry knew what he wanted – and would stop at nothing to ensure he was satisfied. Still, I’m rather glad I don’t live in as traditional a patriarchy in which my neck would be on the line.

Imagine Henry VIII on Tinder. 'Swipe right to be my next queen (terms & conditions may apply).' Honestly, what was the attraction? Power? Sure. Stability? Absolutely not. That seems to be the only benefit of Henry VIII. Personally, Henry, I don’t see a future working out, so it’s a good job we were born several hundred years apart. In all seriousness, women were just seen as vessels for children and it is shown even more to be the case with Henry VIII. That, or he just really liked the taste of wedding cake.

You’re Perfect, But I Need an Heir…

Next up, poor Josephine—married to Napoleon, cheated on by Napoleon, and then dumped for the sake of France. Imagine committing yourself fully to someone, only for them to trade you in for a younger model and a dynasty.

Napoleon? Classic career guy. All ambition, no work-life balance. And Josephine? She was just along for the ride until she wasn’t needed anymore. Whilst she was attracted to his drive and the potential to improve her own social standing, this would only take the relationship so far.

The ultimate goal, like with Henry VIII, was to produce an heir. This was growing to be an impossibility for Josephine due to her age. Whilst she was only 32 when she married him in 1796, I like to imagine Pamela (Mrs.) Jones from Bridget’s Jones’ diary, out of pure maternal concern, reminding her she should hurry up in having children as she isn’t getting any younger. Whilst their marriage lasted 13 years, longer than Henry VIII’s – unsurprising, I know – it was faced with the inability to produce an heir. Producing an heir was crucial to Napoleon to secure a lineage of emperors. Spoiler for anyone who doesn’t know what happened in the French Revolution – Napoleon is defeated in 1815 and the French monarchy is re-installed. This forced him to go into exile where he eventually died in St Helena in 1821. These pressures to secure his own power ultimately wrecked his relationship, leading him down this path of misery, cheating and regret.

When their relationship started, Napoleon was besotted by her. He wrote to her in January of 1796 that he awoke “full of [her]. [Her] image and the memory of last night’s intoxicating pleasures [have] left no rest to [his] senses.” Despite all his affection, Napoleon had no issue abandoning her just two days after their wedding to lead the Army of Italy – a field army situated on the Italian border. An attractive woman left alone in Paris, a recipe for disaster. Josephine started an affair with Hippolyte Charles, a Hussar lieutenant. And Napoleon began his own affair with Pauline Foures in 1798. After this, their relationship was never the same again.

The growing need for an heir and their infidelity led to annulment in the early 1800s. Over dinner on the 30^th November 1809, Josephine was informed that it was in her country's interest to divorce her. Crucially, this decision had also been pushed by his family, not him. Their relationship was affected by familial pressures. He deeply loved her, but had to conform to expectations and stabilise his family's future. This was most evident through the grand declarations he made at their divorce ceremony which occurred on the 10^th of January 1810.It is said he loved her to the very end, even mentioning her name on his death bed…Love, who knew it could be so beautiful and yet messy.

 

Sparks, Trials and Imprisonment

Then there is Oscar Wilde and Lord Alfred Douglas (Bosie). Their love was secretive, given that in the 19th century it was illegal to be homosexual. There was constant tension between the 37-year-old Wilde when he met the 21-year-old poet from an aristocratic family. There were sparks of passion – letters exchanged in secret, gifts, and constant fighting. This would be the dance of love on full display for the world through it's heated court case.

Oscar Wilde? A man down bad. He adored Bosie—so much that it cost him everything. The best proof? His 50,000-word breakup letter, De Profundis. Yes, you read that right. Fifty. Thousand. Words. Oscar Wilde was clearly besotted by Bosie. Who else would write a letter that long to someone unless they loved them? I can’t imagine the OG bad boy Henry VIII leaving any of his wives such a letter to try and woo them. And, I for one, have never received such a letter either. The themes of love, dedication and ultimately deep sadness show through Wilde’s writings. It acts as a way for his thoughts to be collected during his time in prison. Showing his undying love – something which would cost him dearly.

Love cannot conquer all. In the case of Wilde and Bosie, social pressures confound their relationship. Bosie’s father the Marquess of Queensberry, hated Wilde and wanted to destroy him. He left a note at Wilde’s club calling him a sodomite leading to a few heated responses from Bosie and Wilde. The result was that Bosie pushed Wilde to sue him for libel. Worst. Idea. Ever. Wilde found himself on the stand and being investigated for ‘gross indecency’ (homosexuality, which was a crime at the time). This plan backfired pretty badly, leaving Wilde in custody and Bosie escaping to Europe.

Bosie loved Wilde… but not enough to risk his social standing. When the scandal hit, Bosie ran for Europe faster than you can say ‘toxic ex.’ Wilde? He got two years of hard labor. Absolute betrayal. It would have been utterly scandalous. Unthinkable that a member of the elite class could enter into such a relationship. Eventually, Wilde realised he had been played, commenting, “I let myself be lured into long spells of senseless and sensual ease. I allowed you to dominate me, and your father to ruin me.” His shattered self and relationship all visible through his weakness at being “lured”.  After two years in prison, Wilde was alone and forgotten. Admitting Bosie significantly impacted his life in this way, highlighting the weakness of love for Wilde. Love was a tool for Bosie to use for his self-gratification and not for the selfless way it should be used.

Wilde’s heartbreak is unmeasurable to anything I have recently gone through. Yes, it hurts to have someone you trust turn on you, but in Wilde’s case, long after his death, Bosie was even denying the relationship. So much so that he even tried to convince everyone he, himself, was homophobic stating “I never had the slightest feeling of love for Oscar Wilde.” A true denier. Maybe our modern friends would point him in the direction of the 'de-Nile' being a river in Egypt.

 

So, if you’re suffering from heartbreak, remember this: At least your ex didn’t get you executed, exile you for political strategy, or abandon you for the sake of social class. Love really has been a battlefield for centuries.